yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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