I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
