i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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