I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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