carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
barbara walters just said penis...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
