No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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