just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize