The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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