and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
