He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
