That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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