Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
