you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
