I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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