if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
