Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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