Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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