i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
