You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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