Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
