I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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