My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
false alarm, still single
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