So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
