did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
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preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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