I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
