I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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