So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
