last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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