I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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