3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
