Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
