Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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