i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
