I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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