i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
