I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
