Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
