He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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