I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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