I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
