I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
