For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
