i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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