can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
