First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
