we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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