So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
