I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
