You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's shark week go big or go home
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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