I wish I could teleport
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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