Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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