Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
