a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
