My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.