Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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