I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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