the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
