You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
