Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
